He’s let me down too many times. He’s let me down on my birthday. He pushes me to the point where I want to die. The things I like about him, and there are a lot, could be enough to get us through, except for one thing: he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He wants the easy parts of a relationship: the sex, the fun hang outs, the intimacy, the closeness. But when it really matters he can’t come through. He can’t cope with being needed by someone. He can’t cope with putting another person’s needs before his own selfish desires on occasion. Today meant so much to me. To be there for my birthday dinner. But, he’s too drunk to make it. Even after multiple assurances that he would be here.
This morning we decided that we were going to continue our relationship as friends, but there is no trust left. There is no point.This is his first act as my friend.
I wish this wasn’t happening today. I find my birthday and all of December distressing enough, and just wanted to have a fun, stress free day. But his disregard for my feelings has spoiled this. His broken promises have made me feel worthless and inconsequential. Just so he can get drunk with his friends.
I know I deserve better. And I hoped he would be capable of that. He’d indicated in the past that pleasing someone and living up to their expectations was a new thing for him, and he enjoyed it. But that’s out the window now I guess.
He’s the first man who has been able to take my anxiety and panic attacks in his stride, to calm me down, to discuss our problems together. I didn’t want to let that go. But when he’s triggering so much of that panic and anxiety, I suppose I really need to ask, is it worth it?
My “condition” has fucked up yet another relationship that meant a lot to me. I can’t help but be angry at myself too.