Over the last few days I’ve been getting better at examining my thoughts. Whenever I feel anything negative, I attempt to trace that feeling back to it’s thought of origin.
I’ve been finding that my negative feelings are predominantly ones of anxiety based on boredom or loneliness. Tracing those back even further, they both seem to have their roots in fear.
For me, boredom and loneliness are very similar, and often I can’t tell one from the other. They both present as feelings of anxiety, a physical and mental discomfort that I desperately want to end, which leads to fantasies of suicide. So when I get these feelings, I immediately feel an urgent need to reach out to someone in order to make the feelings go away. This was my first clue that it is a need to connect with another human being that triggers the feelings of boredom or loneliness, and the resultant anxiety. Following that back, it is fear that I am missing out on human connection that triggers these. Fear that my life is passing me by. Fear that I will miss out on achieving what it is I want to achieve. Fear that I am running out of time.
It is this fear that is the basis of all my anxiety, all of my panic attacks, all of my negative behaviours. The behaviours that push what it is I want further away. The fear is creating more fear. It is a vicious cycle that I need to break out of.
Coming to these realisations is progress, but not if I stop there.
All I know to do right now is to keep examining, questioning and challenging my thoughts, and stopping myself from automatically reaching out to others as a way to cope. Because when I get past needing others to cope in this way, then logically, I should also get past the need to act out in ways that ultimately push them away when I inevitably burn these people out.