Day 498 – Shame or Something Like It

I spent today with my mother and my five year old niece. That should have made for a pleasant day, connecting with important people in my life. But, like always, it left me uncomfortable, ill and exhausted. Which made me feel guilty for feeling that way.

I don’t really know how to word it, and it’s been something I’ve only recently put together and am still trying to work out, but spending time with my family, my mother especially, feels incestuous. Being around her fills me with shame. I can’t open up to her, or turn to her for comfort, as it always deepens the negative emotions in me. I feel so guilty about feeling this way, as she has never done anything wrong to me, has always treated me with love and never judged me, and would do anything to help me and try to make me happy. She is a great mother. And I can’t return the favour by being a great daughter because of how uncomfortable being around her makes me feel.

All day, all I wanted to do was be in contact with someone else who could make these feelings go away; someone I have a sexual connection to, I suppose to dispel the incestuous feelings.

When I realised this is what is making me seek out connection with someone in whom I have a sexual/non-platonic interest, I discussed it with my therapist. It confused me, because I assumed that my history of sexual abuse by my father would make me want to shun any kind of sexual contact with anyone. But she suggested that it could make me go the other way. Maybe the sexual attention I got as a child made me feel validated, but because it was incestuous (and even as a little girl it made me uncomfortable), I now obsessively seek out people who can make sex feel right again, and feel comforted by them. I’m still working it out.

There have been many instances in the past where I felt I was getting too close to a sexual partner and it began to feel incestuous to me, and I would end the relationship as I could no longer bear the thought of sex with them without feeling ashamed or dirty. There have only been a few people with whom this hasn’t happened or is yet to happen, but for me it is rare and has ended many relationships.

I never got to this point with my ex and had hoped it meant I was healing. But it’s impossible to say, as I haven’t been in any long term sexual relationships since him. Over the past year though I have been becoming more comfortable with sex and nudity. Whereas in the past I would have to get dressed or put on underwear as soon as the act was finished, I have now started to actually enjoy lying naked with someone, and the vaginismus that had plagued me since my teens has almost completely gone away too. Sex with The Suit has been the best of my life so far. *sigh*

Finally starting to put the pieces together and working out why I feel the way I feel will hopefully help me to be more mindful and work out how to get past these feelings. I want, need, to be able to receive comfort from my family (as well as from myself of course), so that I can stop obsessively seeking it out from a sexual partner.

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