Do I feel disappointed that what was intended as a 90 day challenge to overcome my “condition” has blown out to 500? Yes. But, I’m also proud of myself that even though it’s been a long journey, I have stuck with it. I’m still going, still working, still trying. I move forward and I slip backwards, I fall down and I pick myself up again. I am a work in progress, as we all are, and probably will be until the day we die.
Something I’ve always seen as a weakness of mine is my lack of resolve. I will say I have decided something, and sometimes I do stick to it. But often I don’t. That has always bothered me. Even when stubbornness in others is a trait that I despise, for some reason I have never been able to see my lack of stubbornness as anything but weakness.
But this blog – and getting better – is something that is important to me and so I have stuck with it. I haven’t given up. I can take solace in that, that when something truly is important, I do have what it takes to persevere. Giving up on something that isn’t working is acceptable, and not necessarily a sign of weakness. Sometimes it may even be a sign of strength.
Something I had resolved to do but didn’t stick with was my decision to cut The Suit from my life. We met up three times this week. At the first meeting he apologised for letting me down on my birthday, and we decided to continue our friendship, strictly platonically. The second time we met we had lunch together, and discussed whether the friendship would work at all, given the attraction. Even though it may be difficult, his presence in my life is too valuable to me to throw away. Being with him is easy and enjoyable, and our talks really do help me; with him I think I have made more meaningful progress in a short time, as though I am playing a game in difficult mode and I’ve been forced to sink or swim.
Our third meeting of the week, yesterday, saw us back in bed together. It was too good to regret, and I don’t. I’m not letting myself hope that it meant more than it did, or see it for more than it was. I know that whatever happens, whether we stay friends, become more, or nothing at all, I need to learn to let go of him. For my own well-being, I need to stop putting so much pressure on any one person, whether they are my partner or not.
I could try to find a partner who would pander to my current needs, but that wouldn’t be progress. It would feel nice for now, but I would only be setting myself up future pain, keeping myself weak and dependent on the whims of another. I want to become independent, and find a partner I can co-exist with, not be co-dependent with. I need to know that I will be okay if they go away.
I may not see The Suit for the rest of the year; he will be going away to spend Christmas and New Year’s with his family. I will miss him, but I will live.