Day 507- “I Don’t Exist When I’m Alone”

This is what I said to a friend today. He said “I’m a different person when I’m alone.” I replied, “I don’t exist when I’m alone.” I don’t really know why I said this. And as soon as it was out of my mouth I felt sad, and unsure as to whether it was even […]

Day 495 – It’s Not Fair

It’s not fair, is it? The child whose mother drank while pregnant and now has a cognitive impairment. The man crossing the road who got hit by a drunk driver and can no longer walk. The woman who dared to stand up for herself and got acid thrown in her face. The boy whose father […]

Day 490 – Getting to the Bottom of Things

Yesterday was a relatively good day, although I did feel pretty anxious about my upcoming birthday celebrations this weekend. I was upset about not being able to find anything to wear that I felt confident in, but also scared that people wouldn’t show up, in particular The Suit. This morning I awoke to a message […]

Day 488 – Time to Stop Fighting

This is not a suicide note. Though I did think about it a lot today. Walking home from the city I have to cross a long bridge. It’s not high enough to kill me if I were to land in the water, but part of it is over a freeway. If I jumped from there I […]

Day 431 – I Want to Eat the Whole Bag

I’m still dating The Suit, which frankly amazes me. I’m slowly revealing more about myself, and he hasn’t run away screaming yet. But, it’s something I’m still waiting for. Always waiting for. Always anxious about. And even though I should be happy that I’ve found someone I like who likes me back, the constant anxiety […]

Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

After last weeks post I was briefly up, but now I’m down. I thought I was cursed, and then suddenly it felt like The Onliner was being affectionate towards me again. And I also met someone new in real life, The Suit,  who seemed to not be instantly scared away and wanted to get to […]

Day 373 – Post 100 – Mixed Emotions

I’ve been feeling a bit up and down lately. I’m not having mood swings but feeling both positive and negative emotions at the same time. I suppose it’s better than just feeling down, but it’s pretty confusing. There are a few reasons for the way I’m feeling. First, I’m feeling an immense sense of relief because […]

Day 360 – Hypervigilance

I had signed up to participate in a psychological study at my university today, not quite knowing what it was about but it sounded fun and it would give me a little credit towards my final grade in my psychology class. I turned up, only to find that only two others had shown up. While […]

Day 326 – Confronting the Devil, Part 2

Continued from Part 1 The message from The Onliner was brief, but the relief I felt was immediate and immense. This further indicates to me the depth of my problem. If a mere message from someone I’ve never met can pull me from the brink of suicide, that is not healthy. His message was that […]

Day 133 – Feeling Like a Leper

I feel like I’ve contracted leprosy. Dipping back into black and white thinking, and I know I need to challenge it. It seems like I can’t get anyone to spend time with me to save my life. The people I thought I was becoming friends with, unfortunately predominantly male, all seem to withdraw their friendship […]