Day 507- “I Don’t Exist When I’m Alone”

This is what I said to a friend today. He said “I’m a different person when I’m alone.” I replied, “I don’t exist when I’m alone.” I don’t really know why I said this. And as soon as it was out of my mouth I felt sad, and unsure as to whether it was even […]

Day 495 – It’s Not Fair

It’s not fair, is it? The child whose mother drank while pregnant and now has a cognitive impairment. The man crossing the road who got hit by a drunk driver and can no longer walk. The woman who dared to stand up for herself and got acid thrown in her face. The boy whose father […]

Day 484 – I’m Not Even A Factor

This week my mind feels like a sludgey ball of tangled twine. It’s heavy, and I can’t pick out specific thoughts. I feel like I’ve done some damage to my brain. There is definitely some psychological damage up in there. The situation I am in is obviously too much for me to deal with. A […]

Day 431 – I Want to Eat the Whole Bag

I’m still dating The Suit, which frankly amazes me. I’m slowly revealing more about myself, and he hasn’t run away screaming yet. But, it’s something I’m still waiting for. Always waiting for. Always anxious about. And even though I should be happy that I’ve found someone I like who likes me back, the constant anxiety […]

Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

After last weeks post I was briefly up, but now I’m down. I thought I was cursed, and then suddenly it felt like The Onliner was being affectionate towards me again. And I also met someone new in real life, The Suit,  who seemed to not be instantly scared away and wanted to get to […]

Day 358 – Distress Tolerance

All week I’ve had these awful feelings inside me that I just want to get away from somehow. In my stomach and in my chest, it’s a gnawing, aching, burning feeling. It’s emptiness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I’ve never been able to sit with these feelings before. Normally I would take Valium and try to zone out […]

Day 355 – Nothing.

In a bid to find a bit of hope again I went to see a psychic today. He came recommended. But after my consultation, it’s clearer than ever that the universe wants me to start again, with nothing. Or to find hope on my own. The universe is not going to throw me any bones. […]