Day 488 – Time to Stop Fighting

This is not a suicide note. Though I did think about it a lot today. Walking home from the city I have to cross a long bridge. It’s not high enough to kill me if I were to land in the water, but part of it is over a freeway. If I jumped from there I […]

Day 370 – Group Therapy

Today I went to my first group therapy session. I had been on the waiting list since my latest hospitalisation almost two months ago, and had been holding out a lot of hope that I would get some benefit from it. I was told the therapy focused on reducing emotional discomfort and increasing the ability to […]

Day 368 – Peeling off the Band-aid Slowly

I’ve been so scared to let go of things; people, control, plans. I’ve equated letting go with giving up hope. But I think the thing that was hardest for me to deal with was the pain that comes with letting go, the shock of suddenly not having that thing that made you feel secure. Today […]

Day 366 – “But I’m a Victim…”

My father called my mother to explain why he said what he said on our last phone call. He said it was specifically to get me angry, so that I could express my anger towards him, and then move past it. Well, I think it was a particularly shitty plan. It doesn’t work to make […]

Day 360 – Hypervigilance

I had signed up to participate in a psychological study at my university today, not quite knowing what it was about but it sounded fun and it would give me a little credit towards my final grade in my psychology class. I turned up, only to find that only two others had shown up. While […]

Day 359 – Attachment Styles

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about attachment styles today. There are basically three types: anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and secure. The names may vary, depending on where you read about it, but the definitions are the same. We can probably identify with elements of each, but will be predominantly one more than any other. Our […]

Day 358 – Distress Tolerance

All week I’ve had these awful feelings inside me that I just want to get away from somehow. In my stomach and in my chest, it’s a gnawing, aching, burning feeling. It’s emptiness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I’ve never been able to sit with these feelings before. Normally I would take Valium and try to zone out […]