Day 507- “I Don’t Exist When I’m Alone”

This is what I said to a friend today. He said “I’m a different person when I’m alone.” I replied, “I don’t exist when I’m alone.” I don’t really know why I said this. And as soon as it was out of my mouth I felt sad, and unsure as to whether it was even […]

Day 492 – Goodbye to The Suit

He’s let me down too many times. He’s let me down on my birthday. He pushes me to the point where I want to die. The things I like about him, and there are a lot, could be enough to get us through, except for one thing: he doesn’t want to be in a relationship […]

Day 484 – I’m Not Even A Factor

This week my mind feels like a sludgey ball of tangled twine. It’s heavy, and I can’t pick out specific thoughts. I feel like I’ve done some damage to my brain. There is definitely some psychological damage up in there. The situation I am in is obviously too much for me to deal with. A […]

Day 431 – I Want to Eat the Whole Bag

I’m still dating The Suit, which frankly amazes me. I’m slowly revealing more about myself, and he hasn’t run away screaming yet. But, it’s something I’m still waiting for. Always waiting for. Always anxious about. And even though I should be happy that I’ve found someone I like who likes me back, the constant anxiety […]

Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

After last weeks post I was briefly up, but now I’m down. I thought I was cursed, and then suddenly it felt like The Onliner was being affectionate towards me again. And I also met someone new in real life, The Suit,  who seemed to not be instantly scared away and wanted to get to […]

Day 360 – Hypervigilance

I had signed up to participate in a psychological study at my university today, not quite knowing what it was about but it sounded fun and it would give me a little credit towards my final grade in my psychology class. I turned up, only to find that only two others had shown up. While […]

Day 359 – Attachment Styles

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about attachment styles today. There are basically three types: anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and secure. The names may vary, depending on where you read about it, but the definitions are the same. We can probably identify with elements of each, but will be predominantly one more than any other. Our […]

Day 350 – Starting Over, but not from Square 1

This past month my life has again spiraled out of control. Most of this entire year I have neglected my recovery, and in a lot of ways I feel like I have slid all the way back to where I was this time last year. I have been angry with myself, admonishing that if only […]

Day 319 – Relapse

I got out of hospital yesterday after my second overdose. This has nothing to do with my “Friend with Benefits”. My relationship with him actually ended several weeks ago, mutually and amicably. We have remained friends, but without the benefits. The catalyst for this relapse? Someone I met online. We have yet to meet in […]