Day 500 – Not Sticking is Not (Always) Weakness

Do I feel disappointed that what was intended as a 90 day challenge to overcome my “condition” has blown out to 500? Yes. But, I’m also proud of myself that even though it’s been a long journey, I have stuck with it. I’m still going, still working, still trying. I move forward and I slip […]

Day 497 – Boredom Loneliness Fear

Over the last few days I’ve been getting better at examining my thoughts. Whenever I feel anything negative, I attempt to trace that feeling back to it’s thought of origin. I’ve been finding that my negative feelings are predominantly ones of anxiety based on boredom or loneliness. Tracing those back even further, they both seem […]

Day 495 – It’s Not Fair

It’s not fair, is it? The child whose mother drank while pregnant and now has a cognitive impairment. The man crossing the road who got hit by a drunk driver and can no longer walk. The woman who dared to stand up for herself and got acid thrown in her face. The boy whose father […]

Day 373 – Post 100 – Mixed Emotions

I’ve been feeling a bit up and down lately. I’m not having mood swings but feeling both positive and negative emotions at the same time. I suppose it’s better than just feeling down, but it’s pretty confusing. There are a few reasons for the way I’m feeling. First, I’m feeling an immense sense of relief because […]

Day 366 – “But I’m a Victim…”

My father called my mother to explain why he said what he said on our last phone call. He said it was specifically to get me angry, so that I could express my anger towards him, and then move past it. Well, I think it was a particularly shitty plan. It doesn’t work to make […]

Day 358 – Distress Tolerance

All week I’ve had these awful feelings inside me that I just want to get away from somehow. In my stomach and in my chest, it’s a gnawing, aching, burning feeling. It’s emptiness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I’ve never been able to sit with these feelings before. Normally I would take Valium and try to zone out […]

Day 326 – Confronting the Devil, Part 2

Continued from Part 1 The message from The Onliner was brief, but the relief I felt was immediate and immense. This further indicates to me the depth of my problem. If a mere message from someone I’ve never met can pull me from the brink of suicide, that is not healthy. His message was that […]