Day 497 – Boredom Loneliness Fear

Over the last few days I’ve been getting better at examining my thoughts. Whenever I feel anything negative, I attempt to trace that feeling back to it’s thought of origin. I’ve been finding that my negative feelings are predominantly ones of anxiety based on boredom or loneliness. Tracing those back even further, they both seem […]

Day 495 – It’s Not Fair

It’s not fair, is it? The child whose mother drank while pregnant and now has a cognitive impairment. The man crossing the road who got hit by a drunk driver and can no longer walk. The woman who dared to stand up for herself and got acid thrown in her face. The boy whose father […]

Day 488 – Time to Stop Fighting

This is not a suicide note. Though I did think about it a lot today. Walking home from the city I have to cross a long bridge. It’s not high enough to kill me if I were to land in the water, but part of it is over a freeway. If I jumped from there I […]

Day 366 – “But I’m a Victim…”

My father called my mother to explain why he said what he said on our last phone call. He said it was specifically to get me angry, so that I could express my anger towards him, and then move past it. Well, I think it was a particularly shitty plan. It doesn’t work to make […]

Day 355 – Nothing.

In a bid to find a bit of hope again I went to see a psychic today. He came recommended. But after my consultation, it’s clearer than ever that the universe wants me to start again, with nothing. Or to find hope on my own. The universe is not going to throw me any bones. […]

Day 350 – Starting Over, but not from Square 1

This past month my life has again spiraled out of control. Most of this entire year I have neglected my recovery, and in a lot of ways I feel like I have slid all the way back to where I was this time last year. I have been angry with myself, admonishing that if only […]

Days 131-132 – Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Waking up this morning lonely and hungover it hit me that I’ve been lying to myself about not wanting a boyfriend. Turns out I do. Last night I went to see the band of one of the three men that I am interested in, that I wrote about in my last post. The Enigma’s band. […]

Days 96-97 – Down up down

It’s funny, my mood still fluctuates quite a bit, but the range has changed. Some days I can’t believe how good I feel. On those days I feel like I’m just flowing with the Universe. I feel like everything is coming together for me, and I’m finally getting my reward for all the hard work […]

Days 89-90 – Not the End

Soooo, it’s been 90 days since starting this blog. Am I cured? No, not quite. Am I better? Quite a bit. Do I still have down days and hiccups? Yes. Am I disappointed? Not at all. I think I’m much closer to the realm of what are acceptable/average emotional ups and downs. Will I keep […]