Day 497 – Boredom Loneliness Fear

Over the last few days I’ve been getting better at examining my thoughts. Whenever I feel anything negative, I attempt to trace that feeling back to it’s thought of origin. I’ve been finding that my negative feelings are predominantly ones of anxiety based on boredom or loneliness. Tracing those back even further, they both seem […]

Day 488 – Time to Stop Fighting

This is not a suicide note. Though I did think about it a lot today. Walking home from the city I have to cross a long bridge. It’s not high enough to kill me if I were to land in the water, but part of it is over a freeway. If I jumped from there I […]

Day 484 – I’m Not Even A Factor

This week my mind feels like a sludgey ball of tangled twine. It’s heavy, and I can’t pick out specific thoughts. I feel like I’ve done some damage to my brain. There is definitely some psychological damage up in there. The situation I am in is obviously too much for me to deal with. A […]

Day 431 – I Want to Eat the Whole Bag

I’m still dating The Suit, which frankly amazes me. I’m slowly revealing more about myself, and he hasn’t run away screaming yet. But, it’s something I’m still waiting for. Always waiting for. Always anxious about. And even though I should be happy that I’ve found someone I like who likes me back, the constant anxiety […]

Day 401- Not even I want to be with me

After last weeks post I was briefly up, but now I’m down. I thought I was cursed, and then suddenly it felt like The Onliner was being affectionate towards me again. And I also met someone new in real life, The Suit,  who seemed to not be instantly scared away and wanted to get to […]

Day 370 – Group Therapy

Today I went to my first group therapy session. I had been on the waiting list since my latest hospitalisation almost two months ago, and had been holding out a lot of hope that I would get some benefit from it. I was told the therapy focused on reducing emotional discomfort and increasing the ability to […]

Day 358 – Distress Tolerance

All week I’ve had these awful feelings inside me that I just want to get away from somehow. In my stomach and in my chest, it’s a gnawing, aching, burning feeling. It’s emptiness, loneliness, meaninglessness. I’ve never been able to sit with these feelings before. Normally I would take Valium and try to zone out […]

Day 355 – Nothing.

In a bid to find a bit of hope again I went to see a psychic today. He came recommended. But after my consultation, it’s clearer than ever that the universe wants me to start again, with nothing. Or to find hope on my own. The universe is not going to throw me any bones. […]

Day 350 – Starting Over, but not from Square 1

This past month my life has again spiraled out of control. Most of this entire year I have neglected my recovery, and in a lot of ways I feel like I have slid all the way back to where I was this time last year. I have been angry with myself, admonishing that if only […]