I’m a little embarrassed about yesterday’s post, but what’s the point of having a blog if I am going to edit how I feel? It was a good example of posting about raw emotions that I hadn’t yet had time to process.
I woke up today with the same feeling of, desperation I suppose. It is a physical feeling in my stomach, one that I haven’t felt in a while, but I now recognise as the feeling that spurs me to act rashly, just to make it go away.
My thinking yesterday was pretty skewed, too. My brain was telling me that EVERYONE else is doing something better with their time than me. That ALL of my friends are in happy, committed relationships, and that if I didn’t get out there RIGHT NOW, my lonesome state would be permanent.
And if I’m completely honest, the feeling was triggered by an expectation I had, that wasn’t met. I’ve been trying to not have those, but of course, it crept into my head, and I didn’t even know it was there until it was unfulfilled.
I have been talking to a guy online for a month now, and we finally met yesterday. We had so much to talk about online, and I suppose I had high hopes that I would be attracted to him when we met in person. But I wasn’t. And I felt so disappointed. I didn’t realise until afterwards that I had pinned my hopes on this man, and now with that hope gone, in my brain it translated as “all hope of meeting anyone is gone forever”.
Yes, now I can see how ridiculous that is. Especially considering just a week ago I connected with another man who met all my requirements, except the “wanting a relationship” one. I’m meeting people, and I know it is only a matter of time before someone who meets all the requirements shows up. Patience is not a strong point of mine, but it’s pretty obvious that I need to work on it.
The lesson I take away today is to not get fooled by those raw, unprocessed emotions. Because usually, they are full of lies and want to get you into trouble.